I’m often asked by clients and friends, “when should I consider couple therapy?” It’s commonly asked when one partner feels frustrated, angry, or disconnected with their partner within their relationship. Often this question includes feelings of doubt and fear, because people often believe that relationships that are in “trouble” are the ones that need couples' therapy.
Preventative Versus Reactive
Most couples’ issues start small and grow into a much bigger and complex issues when they do not get resolved. Couples often ignore these “small” issues because they don’t think it’s going to get resolved, or because they don’t know how to resolve these issues effectively. Most of the time, ignoring it becomes an easier and less frightening route to take.
This is very much like how a lot of medical issues are created. Think about going to a dentist for example. People often go to dentist usually for preventive measures, like getting their teeth cleaned to avoid getting cavities or other more complex issues down the road. However, there are some people who go to the dentist after years of not getting their teeth routinely checked, and at that point, may need a lot more than just cleaning.
Couples’ therapy works in very similar ways. Therapy is not just for relationships that are in trouble. There are some great benefits to attending couples’ therapy for preventive measures rather than just for addressing major issues. Couples therapy can be like a routine checkup – it can help the couple learn to communicate effectively early on in their relationship to prevent major issues down the road. In a sense, you’re “toning up” your relationship together. Through couples’ therapy, couples can address those “small” issues in a constructive manner, learn how to soothe each other, discuss and hear each other’s fears, cultivate a deeper sense of respect and love for each other, and so much more.
What Should I Expect in Couples’ Therapy Then?
Every therapist has a different style and approach when it comes to couples’ therapy, but generally for the first session, you can expect the therapist to ask questions to get to know you, your partner, and the relationship. Things like your personal family background, how the two of you met, and each person’s perspective on the relationship may be discussed. As therapy progresses, depending on the therapist’s approach in therapy, homework might be assigned for the two of you to complete. Keeping an open mind is important as you progress through therapy. Sensitive topics like sex, finances, life transitions, and family issues can be brought up, but remember that keeping an open mind to these topics can help nurture a sense of closeness with your partner. Your therapist is there to provide a safe environment for healthy and deep conversations to be held, and to mediate and guide the couple to dig deeper than the surface.
Couples’ therapy provides a room for the couple to articulate their feelings, thoughts, expectations, and more – so don’t be afraid to be honest in the room. At the end of the day, relationships require work, so you should expect to put some work into therapy to create lasting and meaningful change!
So whether you’re feeling stuck, misunderstood, frustrated, curious and no matter if you are dating, just got engaged, married, divorced, co-parenting – wherever you are in the relationship, consider couples’ therapy to help you and your partner develop a deeper sense of connection. Even if you have doubts about it all, it will be good for the relationship – just like going to the dentist!
Audrey Paik, MS, LMFTA
Clarity Clinic NWI
