"Be positive!" "Only love and Light!" "Good vibes only!" "Live, laugh, love!"
In many circles, there is a growing trend to only focus on the positive. This thought-process touts the idea that if you solely focus on the “good,” you can always be happy and avoid things like sadness, pain, hurt, and anger. Some will say just drink more tea, consume only organic food, use this or that supplement, get into aromatherapy, smile more, or do more yoga. And while all those activities can and do help, they are not going to suddenly make a person immune to suffering.
The message to only embrace the “live, laugh, love” mantra can be damaging. Sometimes, we cannot smile away grief, and some individuals may benefit from psychiatry services to better manage their mental health. We cannot take “insert supplement here” and all will be well. We cannot stretch our way out of sadness. The term “toxic positivity” is used to describe the belief that no matter how sad, difficult or dire a situation is, we should put a positive spin on the experience. However, this form of thinking dismisses the nature human experience of feeling all emotions and can negatively impact your wellbeing.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity can come in many forms. It can be the active and willful mindset where an individual ignores, stuffs, or avoids anything that causes discomfort under the guise of being positive.
It is the repression or deliberate dismissal of uncomfortable feelings and experiences. It is the intentional avoidance of feeling heavy emotions (like sadness, grief, etc.), or refusing to address painful experiences.
It is the act of silencing someone’s pain under the guise that if they would just be more upbeat, they’ll be fine.
It is telling someone to just take some remedy and POOF! All will be well.
It is the deliberate avoidance of facing our demons and pretending that all is sunshine and rainbows.
I Just Want to Always Be Happy
You and me both, but that is not reality. I’m sorry. I know that is painful to hear, and it is still true.
Asking for never-ending happiness is like asking for the moon- unobtainable. The human experience does not allow for just “good” things to happen. If you ignore your own or other’s pain, you are trying to skip over a large part of the human experience.
Toxic positivity also goes by another name: spiritual bypassing. This is ignoring the dark side of humanity, aka: the shadow self. This idea was proposed by Carl Jung, a psychologist who helped found analytical psychology.
Shadow work is addressing the unwanted parts of ourselves and making the unconscious conscious. It is addressing our fears, guilt, shame, pain, and grief. If we ignore the darkness, we are putting ourselves in a precarious position; anything unresolved will continue to sit inside of us, and no amount of smiling and pretending all is well will make those things go away.
If that sounds confusing, think of it this way: If we do not address uncomfortable emotions and painful experiences, those things will fester inside us like an infection and eventually, we will go septic. Those repressed experiences and feelings will surface, often in uglier and more painful ways. No amount of smiling and pushing daisies will clear it.
To put it even more simply, you have to feel it to heal it.
No Mud, No Lotus
When you want peace, you have to do the work. Anyone claiming there is an instant fix is not telling the truth. I recognize that such a statement hurts. All the coping skills in the world will only take you so far; sometimes, you have to dig deep.
Healing and finding peace is often a hard-earned journey through darkness, muck, and shame. It can be tiring. It can mean facing your inner demons. It can mean unpacking a lot of dusty boxes stored away in your proverbial trauma vault.
Healing is not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, it is crawling through a whole lot of mud to get to where you want to be, to become the person you can be, hence the phrase, “No mud, no lotus.” A lotus only grows in muddy, murky spaces. You will have to go through the mud in order to bloom. But you know what? You’re worth that effort. You have that capacity. I know it can be scary, but oh, is it worth it. And when you emerge from the dark, no one can take that light from you, as you were the one that said, “No more- I take my life back.” The road is open and although the path may not be easy, you have what it takes to reclaim your power, your autonomy, your voice, even in times of suffering.
Please, do not hesitate to reach out for adult therapy support. You are worth it. When you are ready, there are individuals that can help you on your journey, at your pace, to making yourself your strongest self.
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255).
Crisis text line: 741741.
Be Well Indiana Crisis Helpline: 211.
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988
