We’ve all been there. You and your partner are so far into an argument that you can’t even remember how it started. What began as a tiff about doing the dishes has morphed into a completely different fight. Things get intense; you finally decide to take a break. Maybe you go for a drive or hop in the shower to hopefully cool off and finish the discussion. Chances are that one or both of you have committed at least one communication foul.
Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, have been studying couples for nearly four decades. Together, they have pinpointed a number of factors that contribute to relationship satisfaction. Much of their work is focused on how couples communicate during conflict. Through their research, they’ve identified four communication fouls –The Four Horsemen – as well as antidotes for each one.
Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character rather than complaining about their behavior. The alternative to this is to complain without blaming your partner. Using I statements and expressing what you need are good starting points.
Criticism: “You never do anything around the house. You’re so lazy.”
Antidote: “I’m feeling overwhelmed by how much there is to do around the house. Would you mind helping me?”
Contempt
Contempt includes statements of behaviors that come from a place of superiority. This includes name-calling, eye rolling, sarcasm, and mockery. In the Gottmans’ research, this is the strongest predictor of divorce. The antidote to this involves building a culture of appreciation and respect.
Contempt: “I should have done all the talking. You have no idea what you’re doing.”
Antidote: “Thank you for trying.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness often occurs as a reaction to criticism or contempt. It’s a way to fend off what we perceive as attacks from our partner. Defensiveness can be counteracted by finding something, even if it’s small, to take responsibility for.
Defensiveness: “I only yelled because you yelled at me first!”
Antidote: “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is the Gottman term for shutting down during a fight. This happens when you start to feel overwhelmed by the conflict. The antidote for this is to practice self-soothing. Here, we encourage the person who is feeling overwhelmed to ask for a time out. This time out should last at least 20 minutes and should be spent doing something soothing or distracting. There are two important aspects to this process: 1. The other partner must respect the time out and 2. The couple must come back to the discussion. Calling a time out is not a way to end the conversation, it’s just a pause button.
These can be hard to practice on your own. If you and your partner find that you need more guidance, consider couples therapy with someone trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Go to https://www.gottman.com/couples/ for information on a Gottman workshop in your area.
Natasha Williams
Marriage and Family Therapist
Clarity Clinic
Gottman, J.M, and Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press: New York, New York.
