As humans, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. We support and encourage friends who didn’t get their dream job or who are going through a breakup, but should we find ourselves in those same situations, we often judge ourselves as inadequate, flawed or any other negative label we can find.
Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion involves taking the same kind of love and support you give others and extending it to yourself. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist who studies self-compassion, there are three elements of self-compassion (Neff, 2003):
- Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: self-compassion means being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer or fail, rather than ignoring that pain or criticizing ourselves.
- Common humanity vs. isolation: self-compassion includes recognizing that suffering and personal failure are shared human experiences. You are not alone in what you are feeling.
- Mindfulness vs. over-identification: self-compassion includes using a mindful, balanced approach to our negative emotions. We don’t want to suppress or exaggerate them. We simply observe these negative feelings with openness and non-judgment.
Studies by Dr. Neff, among others, have shown that self-compassion can help promote greater psychological health. It can help you cope with stress and protect against anxiety and depression. In addition, self-compassion is also related to life satisfaction, social connectedness and general feelings of happiness, optimism and wisdom.
Try a Self-Compassion Break
Sometimes, it can be helpful to take a self-compassion break. When you notice yourself feeling stressed or emotionally uncomfortable, try to identify where in your body you feel it most. Then, take a few minutes to acknowledge that you in are a moment of suffering. This can be as simple as saying to yourself “Wow, this is tough.” Next, remind yourself that suffering is a common, human experience. Finally, see if you can find words for what you need in the moment. Maybe you remind yourself that you are safe or that you are strong. With practice, incorporating self-compassion exercises like this can help you lead a more psychologically sound life.
To test how self-compassionate you are or for guided self-compassion mindfulness, and other tools visit www.self-compassion.org
Natasha Williams
Marriage and Family Therapist
Clarity Clinic
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–101.
