I spent some time this week looking at the list of this year’s Oscar-nominated films, crossing off the ones I’ve seen and making mental notes of the ones for which I need to carve out time to watch. In the process of doing that, I started thinking about the similarities among them, and that made me stop to consider the ingredients that make for a truly great piece of cinematic art. Along with a unique story with natural ebbs and flows, firmly established characters and high-stakes conflict are both a must. Which, the more I thought about it, sounded a little like many relationships. Unfortunately, what makes for a good flick can quickly turn partners against each other.
When couples come to us for counseling, we first try and establish which roles each of them have fallen into during the course of their relationship. There are two main archetypes – the “pursuer” and the “distancer.” When things get difficult, pursuers want both partners to come together to fix the problem. Closeness and intimacy are high among their needs. Distancers, on the other hand, respond to conflict by pulling away and turning inward. To a pursuer, being with a distancer can feel isolating; to a distancer, pursuers can come across as needy and smothering.
Early Relationship Styles Carry Into Adulthood
Many people enter into one of these patterns early in life, making it difficult to break free of them. They’re further strengthened by our critical inner voices, like the one that tells a distancer to give his wife the silent treatment after an argument, or the one that tells a pursuer that she’s going to lose her husband unless she can find a way to break through to him. Whether they are coming from a place of good intentions or bad, both behaviors create resentment in the other person, and that resentment can fester and turn a relationship toxic.
If this tug-of-war sounds familiar, start by examining yourself and determining which character you most often play, then work on toning down the actions that might be driving a wedge between you and your partner. Are you typecast as the pursuer, always chasing after the other person? Or are you the rebel without a cause, waiting for any excuse to turn your back and walk away? Sullen loners and hopelessly relentless romantics make for good movie fodder, but they’re not as charming on this side of the silver screen.
Clarity Clinic NWI
9250 Columbia
Munster, IN 46321
