Researchers who study early childhood attachment – the emotional connection or bond that forms between babies/adolescents and their primary caregivers – are using science to better understand how attachment affects the development of the brain and how early childhood attachment impacts how humans form relationships throughout their life span.
The Brain and Early Caregiver Interaction
Early childhood researchers observed that babies seek comfort in their known caregivers who provide basic needs and comfort. The formation of early memories – positive and negative - adapts the brain to respond to stressors. Caregivers who are present and have structured routines for infants give the infants’ brain the ability to predict the future. This all happens prior to language formation and impacts the very primitive brain known as the reptilian brain, which, depending on the situation, puts either distress or comfort on the infant. At this stage, the brain is beginning to formulate symbolic memory and object permanence.
Early on, toddlers who lack the structure of basic needs begin adapting for survival. They tend to be clingy to primary caregivers, as stated by Rudolph Schaffer and Peggy Emerson, seeking out or yearning for basic survival and emotional needs. These beginning stages of brain development lead to some long-term hardwiring of the brain. Behavioral specialists believe strong connections form in the areas of the brain linked to memory, arousal, and emotions. As our frontal lobes provide the development of executive function skills such as decision-making and emotional regulation, these skills adapt to our environment. Both individuals with healthy and unhealthy attachments start to formulate cognitive patterns and behaviors that begin the formulation, consciously and unconsciously, of how to relate to others.
Negative Caregiver Interaction Can Lead to Long-Term Relationship Struggles
The brain stores memory to help determine safe attachment figures, but if the mind is wired to not trust due to poor early childhood attachments people begin to develop maladaptive behavioral traits. They often become “needy” and cling to other attachment figures to get their needs met. They can become emotionally manipulative, causing people to act due to guilt or shame. They cling to positive feelings and don’t want them to be fleeting because they are unable to trust positive feelings will return. Contrarily they can push people away when they feel abandoned and/or rejected in fear of further distress. Also, low self-worth can persist due to messages of poor value placed on them in early development. Self-soothing is necessary, but can often come in the form of maladaptive behaviors such as alcohol abuse, self-harm, thrill-seeking, promiscuity, and overspending.
Ways to help cultivate a lifestyle for healthy relationships
Be aware of possible childhood neglect, abandonment, or disorganized attachments. If you felt dismissed or invalidated, this contributes to negative self-esteem or low self-worth in your adult relationships. Many times, therapy is helpful to gain a better understanding of how these past memories or beliefs affect your interpersonal relationships.
Compassion is the key to healing. Many times, understanding that caregivers were often only doing what they knew or had the resources to provide can be helpful during the healing process. Recognizing that they, too, may have had to adapt to trans-generational trauma and/or neglect. Additionally, social economic stressors, such as poverty, can play a role in neglect.
Recognize that every human deserves love and connection and just because it did not happen in childhood does not mean it cannot happen in future relationships. It can be a scary, untrustworthy world to those who experience neglect or abuse.
The acceptance of space for yourself and others can bring joy by providing freedom of choice and self-awareness. This allows partners and friends to choose to provide love and affection rather than emotionally manipulating them to get needs met.
It is helpful to communicate with secondary attachments in later life such as partners, friends or spouses about your history. Their understanding and empathy can help you be more accountable for unhealthy behaviors but can also allow you to rewire your brain for love.
Recommended Read: Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
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Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Love. New Harbinger, 2012.
