I used to be a “chaser.” For most of my life, I chased happiness, perfection and prosperity, frequently using the mind set “if only (I had the perfect job, had enough money, the perfect marriage),….,” or “when I…..(lose 15 pounds, get that promotion, find a boyfriend).” Every year, I would make a New Year’s Resolution, connected to one of my “chases” – I will resolve to work out every day; I will start looking for a new job; I will join online dating…in an effort to finally feel fulfilled and satisfied in my life. I was always successful out of the gate, but one setback spiraled me out of control and by February, I felt defeated and a New Year’s Resolution failure, contributing to sadness and depression.
Self-Compassion is the Key to New Year’s Resolutions Intentions
However, studies have shown that problem isn’t in our failed resolutions, it’s how we treat ourselves when we try and fail. Dr. Kristen Neff, a researcher who studies self-compassion, states that how we relate to personal failure contributes to future success particularly with our New Year’s Resolutions. Dr. Neff explains that when we cultivate a sense of caring and self-kindness toward ourselves when we fail or experience short-comings, instead of self-judgement and criticism, we build resilience that can contribute to motivation and lasting change.
Additionally, building more self-compassion creates more acceptance and allows us to embrace ourselves where we are in the present moment.
Jon Kabat Zinn, in his book Full-Catastrophe Living, he writes “If you are overweight and feel bad about your body, it’s no good to wait until you are the weight you think you should be before you start liking your body and yourself. At a certain point, if you don’t want to remain stuck in a frustrating vicious cycle, you might realize that it is all right to love yourself at the weight that you are now because this is the only time you can love yourself. Remember, now is the only time you have for anything. You have to accept yourself as you are before you can really change.”
When we start thinking this way, we start accepting ourselves in the “here and now” and our personal goals become easier.
Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion in 2018
Below are some ways to cultivate more self-compassion in 2018:
- Practice Mindfulness –Researchers have found that by practicing Mindfulness 5-10 minutes a day for 8 weeks, we are able to change the neuroplasticity in the brain, allowing us to tap in the part of the brain in which we are able to assess a situation and respond in a more productive way. As John Lennon sang: “Life is what is happening while you are busy making other plans.”
- Treat ourselves how we would treat a friend – a moment of perceived failure or distress, instead of self-criticism or judgement, pause and ask yourself how you would treat a friend in that moment, to cultivate self-compassion and understanding.
- Set intentions not resolutions. Unlike resolutions, which are tied to a specific outcome and can be more tied to failure, intentions allow us to recognize where we are in the moment, and being present and aware in that moment, embracing the journey more than the result.
It wasn’t until I took an 8-week Mindfulness course years ago, that I realized that life is in the moments and our moments are fleeting…. there goes that moment, and that moment and that moment. Finding joy, gratitude and compassion in the ordinary moments helps to create lasting changes in our lives.
This year, as we start the New Year’s with our own personal goals, see if you can incorporate self-compassion and kindness toward yourself as your set your daily intentions and recognize that you are already “enough” in this moment.
Happy New Year!
Erin Swinson, LPC, LMHCA
Therapist
Clarity Clinic
Neff, K., (Dec. 31, 2017). Make self-compassion your top New Year’s resolution. Retrieved from https://www.salon.com/2017/12/31/make-self-compassion-your-top-new-years-resolution_partner/
Acceptance. Mindfulness Attitudes by Jon Kabat-Zinn. (n.d.). MBSR Training Online. Retrieved from http://www.mbsrtraining.com/acceptance/
Diamond, D. (n.d.). What is an Intention Vs. a Resolution? Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/meghan-telpner/resolutions-_b_4525016.html
