You may have heard of Lavar Ball, the powerhouse dad, media personality and businessman, who seems to be the face (and mouth) behind the Ball family basketball dynasty. All three of Lavar’s sons are basketball prodigies – with one recently drafted as the second pick in the first round to the Los Angeles Lakers and the other committed to playing basketball at UCLA. However, with all Lavar’s boasting and bragging of his sons’ skills, there seems to be sharp criticism from him toward anyone else who brings them down. Lavar has been known to be publicly outspoken of the Los Angeles Laker’s head coach for not giving his son enough playing time. And, Lavar pulled his son out of UCLA, when the university suspended his son indefinitely for an incident in China in which he was accused of stealing sunglasses.
While some may applaud Lavar Ball for the intense support of his children, others may question the mental health implications of this type of parenting style, while well-intentioned, is strong and overbearing, and may have an affect on a child’s future decision-making capabilities, self-worth and personal responsibility. Does a strong and controlling parenting style carry long-term mental health consequences or does it strengthen the character and resolve of a person?
Studies have shown that parents who are over controlling or encouraged dependence on the parent were more likely to have low scores of happiness and general well-being throughout their entire life span.
Dr Mai Stafford, of the Medical Research Council’s (MRC) Lifelong Health and Ageing unit at University College London, who was part of the longitudinal study on parenting styles, states that children whose parents are warm and responsive and foster independence, are more likely to adapt positive coping skills and are able to better emotional regulate.
“By contrast, psychological control can limit a child’s independence and leave them less able to regulate their own behavior,” states Dr. Stafford.
These studies have also found more incidences of anxiety and depression in adulthood.
Also known as “helicopter parenting,” -- parents who “hover” and overhelp, these parents take too much responsibility for their children’s opportunities, successes and failures.
In her book, "How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success," Julie Lythcott-Haims saw firsthand the increase in this helicopter parenting phenomenon as a former dean at Stanford. Lythcott-Haims saw more and more parents on campus, picking out classes for their children and following up with professors directly and challenging grades. Lythcott-Haims noticed that those students who had “helicopter” parents were less self-sufficient and confident and lacked basic living skills.
While we want the best for our children, controlling the many aspects of our children’s lives can have negative consequences long-term. Below are some suggestions for helping build resilience, self-sufficiency and confidence in your children.
Don’t Make Bailing Them Out a Habit - While we may want to soften the blow from our child’s forgotten homework assignment or wrong uniform, having your kids experiences the consequences of their actions will help prepare them and strengthen organization skills for the future.
Let Them Learn How to Handle Conflict – Instead of jumping in to handle disagreements with friends, teachers, coworkers, coaches (by reaching out and trying to solve the problems for them), encourage your children to work it out themselves. Ideally in person or on the phone – not by text. While this may be uncomfortable, it teaches conflict resolution skills, as well as how to advocate for themselves, that inevitably will be important for all different type of future settings – work, personal, social.
Let Them Fail – Letting your children fail doesn’t mean you as a parent have failed. However, giving your children the space to experience failure teaches problem-solving skills and resilience. Also, sharing your own mistakes with your children and what you have personally learned from them are great examples that failures and mistakes don't negate successes and personal growth, and that this being human includes hardship and disappointment.
While giving our children space to navigate the world to strengthen their character and resilience can be uncomfortable for us as parents, know that these life lessons are instilling confidence and cultivating self-worth, as well as contributing to their mental health and overall well-being.
Cooper, C. (2015). Overly controlling parents cause their children lifelong psychological damage study says. Retrieved on January 20, 2018 from http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/overly-controlling-parents-cause-their-children-lifelong-psychological-damage-says-study-10485172.html.
Brown, E. (2015). Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation of children. Retrieved on January 21, 2018 from http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/parenting/ct-helicopter-parents-20151019-story.html
